Holding on to fundementals will save marriages

According to marriage expert Dr.John Ng in his book "Dim sum for the family".

They are:(1)to nurture shared values, (2)manage differences, (3)affirm each other’s strengths,(4)share pain and gain together,(5) try a little kindness, (6)allow mutual influence, (7)manage around unresolved conflicts,(8) make the spouse the best friend, (9)have an accountability community and (10)take sex life seriously and enjoy.

source: Christian post, singapore.

Six Ways to Make Your Marriage Last

By Therese J Borchard

Your often hear that half of all marriages end in divorce. But marriage is actually doing much better than that these days, say Benedict Carey and Tara Parker-Pope. They collaborated on a piece for the New York Times called “Marriage Stands Up for Itself”. They write:
“A compaision of 10-year divorce rates among college-educated men married in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s shows that divorce is becoming less common,” said Dr.Stevenson, the Wharton researcher. Among men who married in the 1970s for example,about 23 % hand divorced by the 10th year. Men married in the 1990s are doing even better – with a 10-year divorce rate of 16%”.
Christian writer Steven Wickstrom and others say the divorce rate for a Christian couple who actively pray together is less than 1 %.
I kid you not: less than 1 %. What else can you do to improve your odds?
In hi blog post called “5 Secrets to a Succesful Long0Term Relationship or Marriage”, John Grohol, CEO and founder of PsychoCentrel.com, lists five core ingredients to a good marriage or long0term relationship: Compromise. Communicate. Choose your battles carefully. Don’t hide your needs. Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and honesty.
No relationships are perfectly 50-50 arrangements. Usually one person does an extra load of laundry. But for a marriage to thrive, there must be compromise, some give and take. Not just take.
Says Grohol in stressing the importance of communication: “Relationships live and die not by the sword, but by the amount of discussion. If two people can’t find a way to openly and honestly communicate their meeds and feelings to one another, the relationship doesn’t stand much of a chance long-term. Couples must find a way to communicate regularly, openly and directly”.
Choosing your battles carefully eliminates half the fights right there, and it adds value to the disagreements that can’t be avoided.
Many of the psychologists I’ve interviewed for my Beliefnet.com blog “Beyong Blue” say that hiding needs, for example, is precisely why so many marriages fall apart. One or both partners weren’t getting needs net and were afraid or unable to communicate that with the other.
Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and honesty. Writes Grohol, “Different people have different areas of concern, but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their partner above all”.

First Class

" DO NOT LOOK BACK AND ASK WHY, LOOK FORWARD AND ASK WHY NOT"

A very valuable lesson to learn...

Interesting quote from the movie "Why did I get married?"

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT. And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.

But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT. But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.

Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. "Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not"

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing?
"They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!"

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???
If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!

Source: from Dr.Wong Howe Tung & Chuei Lian